i feel like turning my back from the world for at least a month. go someone without anyone knowing where i went. no communication with anyone from manila. no phone communication, maybe just some internet access every three days to assure people i'm still alive and haven't decided to throw myself off the top of a mountain. hell, if i could do it for a year, i'd travel to europe and maybe pick grapes in a vineyard to support myself. or sleep inside phone booths. or meditate in temple full of rats.and yet, considering how much it'll cost me (money spent + money lost + money for other expenses moved to make room for others) and probably the state of the house and the mother once i get back (the battle for entropy never ends, or ever pauses), i know my disappearance fantasy won't be happening.
of course i could always say FUCK ALL OF THIS, quit my job and run away from the mess i am right now but i know that's just me thinking.
it will never happen.
i will always stay and sort out the mess.
i will always stick to what i think are my responsibilities.
i will always choose constancy over abrupt changes.
i once lost someone because the person thought i will always choose stagnation and i can't say that person was wrong. but i doubt even that would have changed me.
i am angry at myself.
i am angry for foresight which i don't follow.
i am angry at hindsight which i cannot appreciate.
i am angry at responsibility which is a lie i cannot disbelieve.
i am angry at awareness which i cannot turn my back to.
i am angry at circumstance which i cannot control as it happens but whose mess i still bother cleaning up after.
but mostly, i am angry at myself being angry for the illusion it gives that i could be able to do something. in the big picture, very few things could be changed. we can't stop the world ending because it already did; what we have now and everything else is just a final, overdrawn dream.
20 comments:
“Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life . . . But why would I want to do a thing like that? I choose not to choose life: I choose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?” or nicotine
-Mark Renton, Trainspotting
So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person.
But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you.
The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.
So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person.
But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you.
The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.
Now I don't know which is better worse really, Life or ~Life.
all a matter of perspective, really. good or bad is not an intrinsic value of anything.
cheers, yves! ;-)
Here's to whatever/wherever our choices take us!!!
Cheers!!!
hay, i need more than a virtual cheer.
when are you, char and jowein free? i'm gonna clean the apartment on saturday morning to make it more presentable to visitors (and make it look less like a pig pen). drop by this weekend, let's have some drinks at my place.
will relay message to those girls...
saturday night's fine. i hope tarot reading's included haha
Jowein, where art thou?
game na si charlene.
Game na din ako... (hopefully, konti lang ang consults sa emergency room on saturday, para hindi ako ngarag)!!!
hmmm. maybe early saturday evening, then. i promised some friends i'll be attending a gig in bonifacio high street.
or we could meet in boni high street instead. i'll bring my decks. :-)
“Anger is natural. It's part of the force. You just have to learn to hang out with it.” - Tori Amos
natural is not always morally appropriate. it's natural for me to want to maim someone who angers me, but it's not appropriate that i strangle the person next to me in a lift.
Me is art nag-iinarti!
I wanna send JD some love, but I only want to confirm when I'm really really certain I could go.
...
To JD, lemme quote my 2nd most fave philosopher-boyband, BSB:
"My [virtual] love is all I've got to give." For now. But we shall see you sooon!
ah well. JD, how about we do all these a month later, like September 29ish? I need to see you all before I leave!
JD, we hate to break your heart. Can't make it. Re-sked. Re-sked.
you're leaving for where?
wag naman that late into september. baka nasa cebu ako ng time na yan.
my heart right now is all splinters floating in a vaguely heart-like shape. little more breaking will not make much difference, in the long run.
but this weeked is too soon (i have to clean the house first!). prolly 2 weekends from now?
Singapurra. for good.
Oh, hehe. OK, we'll see if my study sched will allow me. Bar review's a bitch.
Post a Comment