pink ideas.

i've come across blogs and message board entries re-posting an essay by john lapuz on the plight of the filipino bakla. it was insightful, often constrasting most filipinos attitudes on effeminate gay men vs butchy gay women. i'd like to think that metro manila people's attitude towards homosexuality and bisexuality are now changing, what with the increasing number of gay men and women in schools and among the workforce, but some social attitudes take a long time to change and could cross generations.

in one gay site i go to, somebody reposted an earlier forum entry of another member:

Original posting: Scott Dolph
12 Oct 2006, 20:18

I am 23 years old and have no doubt that I am gay. Ever since I can remember, males have appealed to me. I check guys out, I think about guys when I masturbate, and I dream about guys. The opposite sex has no appeal to me whatsoever. Nobody knows that I am gay; I have kept it very secret. You can't tell that I am gay by the way I walk, talk, or act. Nobody has any idea that I am gay, and it would be an absolute shock to anybody who knows me.

Now that you know a little about me, I first want to tell you that I did not choose to be gay. Do you really think that when a boy is 13 or 14, he decides to be gay? You're wrong. Ask yourself: Why would somebody choose to sacrifice a wife and a family — and all the other things heterosexual people have — to have sex with a member of the same sex? I did not mean to be like this.

Do you have any idea what goes through a gay person's mind? Every day and every night, I go to bed knowing that my brother is extremely anti-gay, my grandma would never speak to me again, my father would be crushed, my mother would feel awkward around me, my sister would classify me as an extreme gay-rights activist, and a good friend of mine would shoot me if I were to reveal that I am gay. Not only that, I have a strong faith in God — but I am confused. If God created me as a unique individual, how can He condemn me for being gay?

I am tired of listening to straight people who are paranoid about gays. If you are in the shower bending over to pick up your soap, do you really think a gay person is going to try anything? Not all, but most, people who are gay aren't going to let the whole locker-room know they are gay and therefore get the crap beat out of them by everybody who is in there. Don't worry about a gay guy being behind you. If we wanted to stick our penises up something, don't you think we'd choose women? I hope some of you see what I am getting at now.

I will conclude by stressing to you that I did not choose to be gay, but I cannot change what I am, so I must accept myself. I want to love somebody, and I want to be loved just like all heterosexual people. To stress that more, I have a sexual drive as strong as any heterosexual person, but in a different way; a way I cannot explain. I personally do not see what heterosexual people find so appealing about the opposite sex — but if I had been born heterosexual, I probably would know, and I am sure if you heterosexual people were born homosexual, you would understand what we see in people of the same sex.

I am not trying to get sympathy from anyone, but I am trying to get your respect. Most homosexuals are hardworking, caring people, but in any group, there is always that person who has to ruin things for everybody else in that certain group. Unfortunately, those people are the ones who get all the publicity, and people make decisions and form opinions from all of the negative stuff. Please do not judge me because of those few people who ruin it for everybody else.

I want to thank anybody in this site who may have read this with even a half-open mind. Please do not stereotype gay people. We are only humans, and we have the right to live upon this earth happily — just like everybody else.

i never really thought much about whether my being gay was a "natural" tendency or a conscious decision. when i think about it now, it felt like a long series of steps i took while growing up and my being gay has been woven into the rest of who i am, brought about the values i chose to adopt.

scott dolph's post still rings true, two years later and, even though though i never come across this guy in g4m, i thank him for sharing his insights.